i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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