I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
