you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize