I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
