so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
