Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
love makes seman taste better
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
