Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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