I'll bet she douches with gravy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
