I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think your dad took our porno
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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