It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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