he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Will exercising make me less horny?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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