i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
