So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
