currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
