If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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