seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
