dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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