The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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