Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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