why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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