the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
