I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
