Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
