I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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