It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
