It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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