Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
