screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
