last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
