Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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