a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
