I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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