New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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