Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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