If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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