Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
