God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
