And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
