My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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