my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
