so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize