You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
