The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
