i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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