You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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