I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
