Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
