planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and she was petting her beer can
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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