i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
