yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
