I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
