Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am puke
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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