My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So drunk its hurt
if i can run in heels then i can drive
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
