When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
