That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
