tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
