I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
