apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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