I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize