apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
