apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
