Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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