Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
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You. Win. At. Life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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