i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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