I am in a vortex of obligation.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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