somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
