I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
