Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
