so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
