dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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