1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
where am i from again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
