All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
