Please, let me fuck your mom
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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