She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i've created a new STD.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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