I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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