I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
