i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
