I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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