I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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